Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Randomize
