I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
