i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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