She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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