I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
