You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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