I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
