Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
