She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
do nipples grow back?
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