Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
