We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
