Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
