I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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