i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
