Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
