I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
