when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
