Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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