What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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