I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
