I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
