Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
