when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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