he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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