i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
