And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
