I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
