Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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