Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
