so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
