There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
