i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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