I accidentally had phone sex last night
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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