I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
