Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
