I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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