That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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