I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
