Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
