"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
...so i touched it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
