He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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