If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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