sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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