I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
