Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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