I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
