My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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