oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
