If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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