i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
