What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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