Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
